Sunk Cost to the Bottom or Sunday Cocktails?

It I could just admit to myself that this entire novel writing bullshit is just me committing the sunk cost fallacy and it’s time to let the novel go and sink to the bottom of the Ocean of Crap I've Wasted My Time On. 

Because I have no energy and no motivation to finish this. 

Maybe a new laptop would motivate me? Maybe a 11 inch MacBook Air is the ticket? Though I've tried that. More than once. Last time I purchased this trusted laptop I'm currently typing on (which has been to New York on several writing retreats and has typed the entirety of my novel this far and a couple of short stories) was my incentive to write (oh but my laptop is now three years old, surely it's time to get a new one?) and look where that's taken me. Well, it's taken me almost to the end of my first draft and I've started redrafting so...Maybe I should stay with this one until I finish the fucker - superstitious.

But the will to write, the will has sunk and it feels like it will cost too much to reengage. I just want to sleep. It's like the only thing that's of interest to me right now (well, shoes and cocktails too). So I guess I know where I'm heading - into the maelstrom. And seriously, I don't care enough to stop it. (And that shit is for my other blog.) 

There's so much more work to do on the novel. People keep asking me if I was productive while away and I now it feels like I wasn't even though I WORKED EVERY FUCKING DAY APART FROM THREE. (And yes, I meant for that to be in caps; I didn't put on caps lock by mistake.) But it's shit. It's drafts. Nothing that I can say is done. In a way the month was almost a waste of time. At least back here when I produce a chapter a month it's a chapter that will go into the novel (subject to some editing).

I guess maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself. As usual. The chapters are done (subject to whatever happens in chapter 12, 13 and 14 before I can say chapter 15 and 16 (previously chapters 10 and 11) of course). But what with all the shit going on in my life right now it's not the best time to try to do this. But when is ever a good time? It shouldn't be this difficult; it shouldn't feel like such hard work. Why am I so lazy? 

Oh Mighty Sunk Cost Fallacy - am I going to let you win after all and admit that I'm committing you and sink this ship? Probably not. After all, I'm a stubborn bitch and what are Sundays for if not for writing and cocktails? And maybe sleeping...

My novel...

sucks ass.

That's what stepping away from it and thinking about it for ten days makes you realize.

Or maybe it's being sober for ten days.

So the answer, as always, is drink. Just drink.

Time's up

Yep. I’m out of time. (Or I have three hours left to write and tomorrow to hang out with my bestest friend and then Last Supper with other people I love.) 

Leaving, as always, breaks my little black heart. And my diseased liver. I love this city more than I love gin. More than I love captain and diet. On par with how much I love cocktails. And some of my friends here are the very best I have.

I hate going back to my mediocre (at best) life.

But anyway, never mind I will now be depressed, drunk and get really fat all through winter. Having been a bit ambivalent about spending this month in NY for a large part of this year, I am very happy that I did. It’s been very productive. The intention was to have between three and five chapters after this time, which logically would lead to four. And that I do. Well, 3 1/2. Still, not bad for someone who’s repeatedly stayed out drinking till 2-3am!

I had a meeting with my mentor this morning. (My mentor is in NYC to do some research for a couple of weeks so it worked out pretty well.) We talked about one of the chapters 10 (now chapter 11) and about what my plan is for going forward. All in all a productive meeting.

I have decided to take two weeks off from writing when I get back. Two weeks to reflect on what I need to think about in terms of making the psychological aspects of the characters more apparent. (I will need to add case notes from psychologists and columns/articles from magazines so a lot of fun to be had writing those.) This is not a banal little love story. And when the two weeks are up I’m getting back in there and I’m finishing the not banal little love story. That is the plan.

What I will not do is not finish this.

Anyway, I didn’t finish the novel by today, which was my intention a few months ago. So I didn’t get to write the last sentence. And yes, I know exactly what the last sentence is. But it's hust a matter of not too much time before I get to type it.  

Making stuff up

Being a fulltime writer (yes, it is what I am at the moment) is bloody hard work. I'm totally exhausted at the end of the day. Yes, I am also not getting in bed by 11 every night and yes, I do have a cocktail (or even two) sometimes so I guess my current lifestyle isn't helping with the exhaustion. But late nights and booze produces a different type of tired than the draining after writing an entire day. 

Who knew making stuff up could be such hard work?

This is not a complaint though. I love being able to write all day and the tired feeling at the end of it has a sense of accomplishment in it, and pride too. Nothing like the brain meltdown from boredom after spending the day responding to emails from needy, annoying academics and writing policy - quite different indeed. 

On Monday I'm seeing my mentor who happens to be in NY too right now. I thought it would be a good opportunity to take stock and evaluate how my retreat went and maybe talk about next steps. And talk about how I can stay motivated and not get all my energy sucked up by that pesky "real" fulltime job. 

Because despite having said that I would put writing on ice until December, I have realized I will just have to just push on. I need to finish this. This is more important than anything else. 

One week to go with Tuesday being my last day (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!). I reckon I have maybe 4 1/2 more writing days left (I might actually allow myself to take the weekend off - I'm getting inked, drunk and who knows what else) so I should be able to write at least one more chapter. A new chapter 10 it turns out as the current chapter 10 is now going to be chapter 11... Don't get me started.

And on that note, I am going to get back to completing today's minimum word count and make stuff up.