So I haven't written a word since the end of my retreat, which today is a month. A whole month wasted and I haven’t even been drunk. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written anything.
50% of my energy has been put towards an upsetting event, 50% has gone into endless hours at work and 75% has been spent on telling my brain to "shut the fuck up or I will lobotomize you” because as usual it’s fucking annoying and obsessive. Yeah, I’m talking to you pigfuck! (Sorry, I picked this word up from a novel this morning. Haven’t quite decided how to use it yet – maybe “we were drunk like pigfuck”. Or “you’re such a pigfuck”. It also works very well in Swedish, especially if you add som fan after it. See, you can always learn new things by reading.) The remaining 50% I’m going to spend on learning how many percent goes into 100%. And, to add to my my defense, I've been travelling and I've had a life.
So, anyway, the inclination, mood and energy to sit down and write after having to cram 175% into 100% have really not been there. But I do realize the time has come to pick this up again or the project, i.e. my novel, might actually just slide into oblivion.
So I’m thinking I need a new schedule. (Though first of all I need to stop starting all my paragraphs with “so” and also stop starting sentences with “so”. I do it way too often, even in my novel. So what? Pigfuck. I like starting my sentences with “so”.) And new routines. And new people. And I need a drink.
I’m now mentor-less so (progress, a “so” not at the start of the paragraph/sentence) I don’t have deadlines beside any I set myself. Which I never, or at least hardly ever, meet. I’m meant to see the guy I did some workshopping with before I left for NY in the next few weeks but that’s not enough of a kick up the backside to make me write. And he’s only seen two chapters – I can just hand him something I wrote ages ago, which means I don't even have to actually write to meet up with him. It was much easier when I had to hand over money every month. I almost miss having a mentor.
So (yep) I also need readers and editors. Apply within.
(This is a pigfuck post. I’m just rambling because I don’t have a clue how I’m going to go about this pigfuck.)
The last few days I’ve heard myself saying to people, confidently, that my new deadline is my birthday - i.e. the end of May. And I think it’s realistic. I reckon it will take me about 1-2 Sundays (my day set aside for writing, unless… actually I shouldn’t tell anyone what the exception is) to edit a chapter, and maybe I will have to sacrifice Saturdays too. Unless I'm going to move after Christmas. But maybe if I want this done I will have to give up all else. Apart from running. And cocktails. And Halloween. It will all be worth it when it’s there, on a shelf, in a bookstore. Sometimes you just have to choose what you want most in life.
And I can always comfort myself with the knowledge that the next one will be so much easier…