Friday, July 19, 2013

Mentor & screw the deadline and most of my friends

So I've decided to sack my mentor. Or really, not sacking as much as not renewing our contract. Last time we met I was told to make sure I brought my diary to our meeting in August so we could look at future dates, but in my mind our contact is up - it was a 12 month contract which started in September 2012 - and I don't think this is providing me with what I need any more. I'm planning to reassess in December/January, after the dreaded REF is over.

I am a little pissed (I'm like over half way through a bottle of wine and haven't eaten - ha ha!) to be honest, after having wasted the last two months writing things against my gut, just because I was told that what I was doing wasn't working. Only to then be told to go back to my original idea. Not that I can blame someone else for their comments - after all, it's up to me to take onboard what I think is important. But I guess I somehow trusted my mentor's judgment more than any feedback I would get from someone in a workshop for instance. So yes, 10000+ words in the bin. And money. But more importantly - time. 

Because this also means I'm not going to finish it by my deadline. I know I'll get a lot done while in NYC, but I also know my limitations. My coach (yes, I have one of those too - leadership and management development training at work but we spend most of the time talking about why some people think it's ok to sexually harass me (see my other blog for that and also know that apparently it's my fault because "what did you expect would happen?" - erm, that no one would try to tvangshangla me? Dick!) and my writing) keeps pushing me to commit to so many words per day or so many chapters but really, considering how hard I am on myself I think I'd rather just say that as long as I show up and write - which I did last summer - I'm good.

I went to an event called "Reinvent yourself" or some shit like that last Sunday. A friend of mine had a free guest pass and offered it to me so I went along. I was sceptic, still am, but I learned some useful things. Like I'm not an island. I need to ask for help sometimes (as fucking if!). I also had the fact that I need to open my heart reinforced (I knew this already, and this is really for my other blog but it's all kinda interconnected). But more importantly I learned that if you add up what your 5 closest friends weigh and then divide that in five, you'll get your weight so I'm getting new really skinny friends. 

I kid I kid!

Or maybe not. Because what I really picked up on is that I have no support what so ever from people around me (apart from the person who took me to this event). Support from friends and family is so important. And I pretty much have none. It's like people just think this is some joke. No one ever asks me how my writing is going. No one ever asks me what I'm writing about. No one ever asks to read anything (which is ok, that I don't mind). But considering this is one of the most important things in my life, how come no one who's supposedly my friend cares enough to ask about it? And when I asked one of my closest friends to kick my ass to make sure I stayed on track she said she'd be delighted to, only to halfheartedly do it once. Once... I mean, really? So yes, I need new people around me. 

So: SCREW YOU ALL! No really. I listen to you talking about your babies, your affairs, or someone not responding to texts, your job hunts, your problems with colleagues/partners/mothers/bosses - and I ask, how are you, how is that going blah blah blah? And yes, you ask me the same but NO ONE EVER ASKS HOW MY WRITING IS GOING. No wonder I avoid half my friends nowadays and seek out new people to hang out with (including unruly professors).

Wow. I didn't know I felt this way. But I do.

So I wil say it again: SCREW YOU ALL! 

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